Money, Money, Money!

It’s official. I am a banker.

Now practically everyone says at some point in their life, “I never thought I would be doing (fill in the blank).” But my being a banker is just a little more than that. For example, my brother and I came up with a code, admittedly influenced by several seasons of Alias. If I ever told him I worked for a bank, he would know I really worked for the CIA or FBI. When I did get my current job and informed my family, I had to do a little more than the casual convincing with my brother that my job was just that and not a cover. We are talking "if there is a bright center to the universe, then you are on the planet farthest from."

But Tatooine is home sweet home now. And in the last two years of negotiating the canyon that is banking, I have learned there are a few things the average person who must use the services of a bank may not be aware of. In the interest of salvaging whatever sanity is left amongst myself and my fellow bankers, I have decided to pass along some of my learning.

Disclaimer: The following list in no way implies or infers imbecility on the part of any or all people with accounts. All of the following “tips” are the result of actual circumstances. Names have been withheld to protect the guilty (and keep me from getting fired).

Without any further ado, I give you:

THE INFORMED BANKING CUSTOMER or HOW TO MAKE YOUR BANKER HAPPY

1) If you don’t have enough money in your account to cover all of your check, don’t write it.

I don’t care if your pastor tells you God loves a sacrificial giver and will multiply what you give, don’t write it. And you have to have to a sacrifice in order to sacrifice. Writing that check does not make the money supernaturally appear in your account. And putting “God’s blessings of wealth. heath and happiness” in the memo does not up your chances at this happening either. I am only speaking to the first one on this. I have no knowledge of the last two being fulfilled. However, I sort of doubt that if God does not answer the prayer for the first, that He would honor the others instead.

2) The ATM is not a slot machine.

Just because your ATM card has a $9999.99 withdrawal limit does not mean you can withdraw that much money from an ATM. The ATM may have its own limit. The ATM may not have that much money. You may not have $9999.99 in your account. You may be in India or some other country that, for no reason discernible by man, will change the rules (or ignore them completely) on the 3rd Tuesday of every month ending in “r” on a leap year.

3) Bankers do not possess telepathy.

Write your checks clearly and for the exact amount you want them to clear for. And FYI, the legal written amount is the amount your check will (i.e. should) clear for. Don’t write the numbers of $1.00 in the little box and then write out long hand “one hundred dollars” if you don’t want $100.00 to be taken out of your account. The same applies to the opposite situation.

4) The bank is not your grandmother who gives you money just because she loves you.

The bank may make an error. And you may be in possession of more money than you should have. But that doesn’t mean you get to keep it. Don’t whine when we take it back. It is not mature and it won’t make us give the money back.

5) The bank is also not your trust fund attorney who gives you money because you are entitled to it.

As a corollary, there is no such thing as a bank error in the bank’s favor. Let us know about them politely and we will be happy to fix them. It is important to us and to our auditors that you have exactly the amount of money you are supposed to. But remember, this amount has absolutely no relation to the amount you think you are entitled to.

6) Just because Ernie is your buddy does not mean he knows how to print checks.

Buy your checks from a reputable printer if you want your checks to clear properly.

7) Just because you say it's okay for you withdraw $100,000.00 in hundreds from an account you may or may not be on does not mean the teller should let you or will let you.

8) You have absolutely no control over how the people you write a check to spend that money. Once you give it to them, it is theirs. And we bankers will not tell you if they spent it on ice cream or a new fridge.

9) The little currency symbol on the check is not there to take more ink out of the printer.

Don’t write an American check in British pounds. Don’t scribble out the South African Rand symbol for the Euro symbol. Instead, write your check in the currency it is supposed to be in. Or wire the money if it is going to have to cross into a different currency.

10) Checkbooks, statements and receipts are not printed to kill more trees.

We give them to you so you can keep good records. Good records mean you won’t be confused by the charges that happen. Good records mean that when there is a problem you will have the necessary information to help us fix it. Good records mean that you will be able to answer 85% of the questions that might happen on your own.

11) Banks will spit out stale checks just as fast as your baby will spew the spinach on your new white shirt.

Checks are considered "stale" after six months, like most things in life. When Auntie Molly in Indiana sends you that birthday check, please deposit it on your way to work or class the next day. If you put it in your sock drawer and find it on your next birthday, don't be offended when it comes back. Instead, make with the puppy-eyes and ask dear ole Auntie for another check.

12) Banks do not employ Hogwarts' owls.

Neither does the US Postal service or any other mail carrier. If you move and don't tell us, your new debit card and your statements will not magically arrive in your mailbox.

13) Debit machines at the check out do not ask you "Are you sure?" in hopes of getting you to buy one more pack of gum.

Pay attention to the amount you are agreeing to have debited. That way you won't have to explain to your boss why you bought a $47,000.00 sweater at the Hilton on your business credit card.

Now go, spend money, but no more than you have.