First, you must find the little store you went to last time. Oh, there are other places to buy skillets, but you have some other things you want to buy that are only at this store. Besides, the other places are very expensive. After wandering down a side street, getting yelled at in very bad Russian by a random pedestrian trying to show off for his friends, walking down into an underground meat market where Fear Factor should set up shop for an episode, you finally find it tucked in a corner.
Second, you start looking at the pots and pans available. The store owner will soon catch on that this is what you are looking for and will start pulling out options from hitherto unseen nooks.
Third, shake your head at each wok pulled out and make motions for “smaller” and “flatter.” On the off chance she remembers some English from middle school, also say these words along with “too big.” Just to make sure you have covered all of the bases, say “skillet” as well.
Fourth, repeat step 3 several times until you are convinced that you have seen every wok the store has. Proceed to speaking English with your roommate and decide that they do not have one, so you will just buy one at the expensive store.
Fifth, the lady rummages through one last pile before you leave and pulls out…a skillet. Nod your head vigorously, point frantically and say “Yes, yes, yes! That one!”
Sixth, because you are someone who wants to learn what this cooking instrument is, motion to the skillet now cradled in your hands and shrug. Try saying “Name?” or “What is it?” after the blank look from the store owner sets in. Motion again more emphatically. The response will most likely be a stream of Chinese from which it is impossible to pick out any individual words at all. Just nod your head and smile.
Seventh, when the store owner starts her rummaging again, shrug and follow her. Once she starts pulling out lids and placing them on top of the skillet you are still holding, you realize that instead of figuring out you wanted the name of the pot you are holding she has interpreted your charades to mean you are asking for a lid for your new cooking implement. You decide it is too much hassle to try to explain you had been asking for the Chinese word, not another piece of cooking equipment, especially since a lid would probably be a good idea to get anyway.
Eighth, smile happily once the lid of acceptable diameter is located, but point questioningly at the hole in the center where the nob should be and is not. The store owner will shake her head and wave her hands in the universal “I know, I know, hold on” gesture. Just stand still with your skillet and nob-less lid.
Ninth, the store owner will rummage more, this time pulling out a lid that does not fit but that does have a nob. Unscrewing the nob, she will take back the lid you are holding and put the cannibalized nob on it. When she hands you back your now fully operational lid, smile, say thank you and do not think about the stripped lid. In due time, should it be purchased, some other lid will suffer the same indignity for it until there are no more nobs and the world for lids ceases to exist.
Tenth, finally you come to the part of the process where you pay for the skillet and its lid. Be sure to pay more than you should. This is traditional for foreigners, regardless of whether or not they speak the language or how many years they have spent in the country. Should you also purchase other items from the store overpaying will be made certain by the fact that you will be given a total without individual prices noted. Simply hand over the money, exchange xie-xie’s with the store owner and be happy that you were able to find everything you wanted in a country that does not always have what you are looking for.
Eleventh, arrive home and decide to put your new purchase to use, after washing it of course. Crack a few eggs, cut up some onion and tomatoes, plug in the contact cooker and prepare your stomach for a good old fashioned, almost-like-home omelet. Place the skillet on the cooker and turn cooker on to the desired medium heat. The cooker will beep. Lift the skillet and place back down to assure the cooker that there is a cooking instrument on it. The cooker will beep. Repeat previous step, this time a little more forcefully, although not so violently as to break your only means of cooking food. The cooker will continue to beep. Realize that the cooker is having some sort of mother bird complex will not accept a skillet from a different store.
Twelfth, decide you still want an omelet and proceed to cook your ingredients in the wok, purchased from same place as the cooker will accept. The omelet will become more like scrambled eggs and you will have to combat uneven cooking due to the wok’s curved shape, but you will be successful and the taste acceptable. Be content despite purchasing for too much money a pan that you cannot use because you have just eaten an almost-omelet, the entire reason you went searching for a skillet in the first place.
Thirteenth, decide to go looking tomorrow for a rice steamer so you can make crock pot chicken.
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