Things I've Gotten Used To

Here is a list I started compiling a while ago of different things that I realized would be different when I got home. Not an exhaustive list, just ones I encountered and thought "Huh" at the time and, of course, remembered to type up when I got home. Now that I am home here it is.

Please do note that some of these are not meant to be read while you are eating, especially if you are of the squeamish variety.


1) Plan A is never done; it is usually Plan D or E.
2) Plans change by the minute, occasionally by the hour, and usually right before you start them.
3) Plans changing include how many people are coming: 83 girls, 64 boys, and 11 others will change to 107 girls, 71 boys and 15 others if you wait.
4) No one knowing what “other” means so just waiting until the group arrives before figuring it out.
5) Being told 2 hours before you are supposed to leave that you are taking a 4 day trip out of the city.
6) A four year old kid have his mom pull down his pants and push him into a squat for a sidewalk bathroom.
7) Babies and small toddlers having split pants so that their moms don’t have to do #1. They can just squat whenever they need.
8) A slaughtered sheep hanging from its back feet and being burnt for barbecue.
9) A sheep getting slaughtered on the sidewalk outside the restaurant.
10) A restaurant installing a special scaffold in the front of the restaurant so they don’t have to slaughter the sheep in the back where people can’t see, but can slaughter as advertising.
11) The sheep hanging from said scaffolding being lit on fire as a way of barbecuing.
12) The snorting out of boogers, either inside or on the street.
13) Looking at the wall of your rather nice hotel and seeing evidence of booger snorting.
14) Getting bodily hauled to wherever you are going so hard by your “friend” that you worry about bruises.
15) Almost all girls and women arm in arm down the street.
16) If you are a girl, your female acquaintances grabbing your arm to walk arm in arm.
17) Unplugging your washing machine before sticking your hand in it so you don’t get electrocuted.
18) Giving up on the spinner side of your washing machine because when it does work it smells like burning rubber and wire.
19) Prepaid utilities—water, gas, electricity, phone, Internet, all of it.
20) A dance party means girls waltzing together while the guys sit.
21) Considering getting diarrhea once a week from funny food a good week.
22) Getting stared at.
23) A grown man taking a leak outside in the middle of winter.
24) A taxi still driving around with a flat tire.
25) Really funny mis-translations and signs. My favorites are "Careful Slithery Floor" and "No Exploding Cars."
26) Going to the hospital just means going to the doctor.
27) Getting an IV just means taking medicine.
28) Leftovers sit out on the counter all day.
29) Lamps and light fixtures that look like they were designed while on an LSD trip.
30) Firecrackers that sound like bombs going off at odd hours any day.
31) Firecrackers bouncing off of your 6th story apartment.
32) Rocket launchers firing blanks for weddings.
33) Steps will not be the same height in a flight of steps. The first and/or last ones will be either noticeably taller or shorter.
34) “Do you like China?”
35) “Are you married?”
36) “What do you think of Chinese food?”
37) “How old are you?”
38) “What do you think of China?”
39) The waitress arguing with you over what food to order.
40) The waitress being scandalized that you do not order any rice or dumplings.
41) Just because it is on the menu doesn’t mean it’s available.
42) Ordering by going to the restaurant fridge and pointing at the vegetables you want.
43) Realizing that your translator orders the same way, minus the pointing.
44) Being asked if you have a stomachache because you are barefoot.
45) Avoiding all manhole covers because they aren’t always secure.
46) You are in danger of getting addicted to second hand smoke.
47) You have to wait to take a shower because the water is off.
48) The water comes back on, but now you have to wait because the electricity is off.
49) Both finally come back on long enough for you to take a shower, but one or both get turned off before you can do the dishes.
50) You play Apples-to-Apples with fellow Americans and “corn dog” wins the adjective “gorgeous.”
51) Being told you are fatter than last time I saw you.
52) Bones and bone shards being in all meat, from fish to beef.
53) The presence of ruffles, sequins, rhinestones and applique flowers (and various combinations) on all women’s clothing.
54) Women tying see-through scarves over their whole head when they are outside.
55) Guys wearing bright pink or purple shirts.
56) Guys riding bright or baby pink bikes. Bonus points if the guy is in an army uniform.
57) Most people wearing camo aren’t in the army.
58) Being able to tell the difference between the current camo in use by the army and the camo everybody buys at the surplus store.
59) Finally seeing something in English but still not being able to understand it because more than a little was lost in translation.
60) Being asked if you are Russian.
61) Being told you look Russian.
62) Being asked if you are Russian again even though you have said you are not.
63) Still being spoken to in Russian after all three of the above.
64) Little kids being afraid of you.
65) Everything being in cash.
66) Prices getting rounded to the nearest mao (dime) and sometimes to the nearest kuai (dollar).
67) Almost all prices are negotiable.
68) Your taxi driver running into the nearest 7-11 to get change.
69) The store owner running to the shop next door to get the right size of shoe for you.
70) Almost never getting a receipt.
71) Paying more if you want a receipt that will count for your business taxes.
72) Looking up the final ingredient on the Internet, copying the character and showing it the grocery store clerk.
73) Checking to see the ingredients in a frozen dinner by going to the vegetable section and pointing to the character while the clerk points to the vegetable.
74) One grocery clerk being assigned to four short aisles.
75) Said clerk following you around if they are not busy stocking or organizing.
76) Laundry hanging in storefronts.
77) Students staying in the classroom and teachers leaving.
78) Students clean the classroom and wipe the blackboard.
79) I’s look like z’s, capital E’s have the top horizontal line going the wrong direction and r’s look exactly like v’s.
80) Surprise at the fact that you can cook.
81) Surprise at the fact that you can sew.
82) Standing in the same place while students rotate taking pictures with you.
83) Examining the expiration date on your pop to make sure it still has fizz.
84) Not being too disappointed if the date is five months ago.
85) Not getting pop only when the date is eight months ago.


Yeah, that is a little how it is like. Always an adventure, if adventure is to be defined as "the unexpected by American standards."