Cacophony of the Soul

What is emotion?

Why did God give it to us?

Have we ever felt a pure single emotion that isn’t complicated by other ones?

I don’t know the answer to the first two questions, but I will venture an answer for the last one.

No. I have never had a moment where there was only one emotion beating in my heart.

Yes, there have been times when one emotion is the loudest or most popular or the director of all the others. When my grandpa died, when my “kids” prayed to receive Christ, when I have sat with my dog on a quiet Saturday. Grief, love, peace. All of those emotions were first in my heart. But I cannot deny that there were others in the background, still tinkling upon their instruments. Lostness, hate, joy, thankfulness, contentment, anticipation. It is kind of like those bands named after the lead singer. Charlie Daniels is the name we remember, but Carolina and Saigon would be missing something if there weren’t five other people playing.

In moments where one emotion stands tall understanding ourselves is made that much easier and that much more treacherous. I can identify that one emotion playing the loudest. That is not bad; it is very good. We need identify what we feel. Just feeling goes nowhere and does nothing. When one emotion takes the lead, I am much more able to examine it and either deal with it or encourage it.

The danger comes in ignoring or forgetting the other emotions still playing. I could not fully deal with the grief from my grandfather’s death until I had faced the anger singing the backup vocals. There is sure to be some psychiatrist out there who has explained it better and been paid more for said explanation, but for my layman brain that is what the mind science comes down to.

But what do we do when our heart is hosting The Vienna Boys Choir instead of The Charlie Daniels Band? A group of emotions are all singing in our soul. How do we know what we are feeling if we can’t pick them out from each other?

(Now, perhaps, is probably the time for me to admit I don’t have the best musical ear. Pretty sure it’s not a better one. It doesn’t even qualify as a good one. Meaning that my musical/band analogy is probably going to fall apart right…about…now… So sit tight and enjoy the concert ‘cause I am going to keep typing.)

When a choir sings, telling the individual singers apart isn’t easy. And if you do manage to isolate just one, it is only for a moment. Add in a piano, guitar, drums, bass, etc. and if your mix artist or sound guy isn’t on top of it, cacophony is the result.

Speaking of sound guys, ever seen a sound board? Most people have, but I figured I should check. My church has a small one. After working back in the sound booth doing other things for two years, I am still afraid of it. All of those little tiny knobs to do heavens knows what. Our sound guys turn them, but I can’t always hear the difference. I do know where the “She’s gonna blow! Kill her quick!” slide is. And I have used it skillfully. Once. Other than that, I leave it to Master Brian and his Mighty Minions.

Aside from getting in a props to the sound guys at Grace EV Free, I mention this because sometimes my emotions seem to be controlled by a similar soundboard. See, I am going somewhere with this. My sound guy capacity does not magically expand in the metaphorical realm. It is only slightly more sophisticated than it is in the literal realm – I know where a few more buttons are in addition to the kill switch.

I am getting better at the emotional sound board thing, but there are still days when the only thing I can say to my concerned roommate when she asks me how I am doing is “Mmmmahfloooo!” - not the most intelligent nor communicative of noises available in the English language.

I have decided that what I need is a headset on my emotional soundboard, the kind that hooks up individually to the different imputs. Put on those headphones, push the little button in the correct row, and all you hear is what that mike is getting. If only my soul could do that.

But I can’t. I am still human. (Still…as if I could turn into anything else.) And as much as my pride hates it, I’m still in need of fixing. And I can’t fix it myself. Try as I might, if I fiddle with the nobs, I am going to ruin something before I realize what I am doing.

But what do I do with those “Mmmmahfloooo!” moments?

I can’t make them go away. But I can get out of the way so the One who created my soundboard can bring out the song my heart is failing miserably at singing. Even better, He will help weed out the emotions that shouldn’t be playing in that particular song anyway.

So will I ever feel a single pure emotion without all of this mess?

Probably not. Life is always messy. At least on this earth is. Perhaps in heaven before the throne. Until then, just get used to nonsensical noises.

Mmmmahfloooo.