Did your father ever tell you “Chew your food; you’re an animal”? Mine did. Of course, he could have just been quoting Matilda, but something in his eyes told me it was more than just a quote. There was wisdom to be learned here, my young padawan.
In America, good little boys and girls are instructed to chew their food into an unrecognizable state. Some people advocate the chewing eat bite 100 times. Others would say that if Lileks couldn’t compare it to one of his 50’s recipes, you shouldn’t swallow it yet. And those children who do not follow one of the above, receive quotes like I did or little side glances or not quite so sympathetic noises when the cud comes out one way or the other in an untimely fashion.
But all of this negative social pressure doesn’t really work on children who don’t care about social pressure. Take me for example. Despite all of my parent’s quotes, I am still a fast eater, mostly because I don’t chew long enough, whatever that is. There was also that term served at a camp run by “an organization for young women” where we were only given 10 minutes to eat. That psuedo-boot-camp might have had a lingering detrimental effect on my chewing habits, but we will save my stint at being Oliver for some other post. Today I wish to enlighten you all on another, perhaps more effective way of controlling how much children chew.
(A quick note lest anyone take offense at what I am about to type. I am thoroughly enjoying the cuisine here. The versions in America simply do not do it justice. Yes, there are a few more exotic things I have discovered that I just cannot eat, but for the most part I am enjoying Chinese food. That said, there is been a bit of a learning curve when it comes to the actual eating part. And that is where this discussion resumes…)
Leave some bones in. Believe me, children will take the threat of their intestines being torn to shreds by an errant bone fragment much more seriously than they will Mommy cautioning them in her best you-better-listen-now-voice to chew slower. I am not exactly sure why. Maybe Berkley could give me a grant and I could study the phenomenon and find out. Until they do, we will have to rely on empirical evidence that this is just true.
Let us consider the pros to this approach.
The poor cook, who has more than enough to do, does not have to go through the entire carcass, picking out every little last bone. She has other food to cook rather than waste her time with little bones. Just let her chop it up into roughly portion sized pieces and let the eaters do the work.
The meat will still be hot. All of that time taking the bones out takes time. Time that the meat will be cooling instead of being eaten.
The pieces will be big enough for the eating utensils to handle. Let’s face it, in the land of chopsticks, this is a very important culinary consideration. Go tearing all of the meat to little bits just to get those pesky bones out might mean that you spend the next several hours chasing around those illusive meat bits you rescued from being stuck to a bone you could have easily picked up. Wouldn’t it have been easier to pick up the meat laden bone with the chopsticks, put it in your mouth, pretend you had a sunflower seed, eat what you want and spit out the rest? You might actually gain calories, which I hear is one of the main purposes for eating.
Conversation will be enlightened. Junior is studying biology in school. You are quizzing him. He doesn’t remember what a vertebra is. You point out the piece of bone he has just finished chewing around. This, of course, presents a perfect segue into the difference between vertebrates and invertebrates. As a result of your cooking choices, Junior scores a perfect on his test the next day.
Now for those pesky cons. Hmmm…aside from a perforated bowel, I really can’t think of any. And those only happen if a) you know you should chew and you don’t or b) you are a visitor to this new land and you don’t know all of the tricks to eating yet. If the problem is the former, just slow down. Live life as the bones come along with meat. If you find yourself in the latter situation, pay attention to your lunchmates. If they are spitting out bones, the probability that you will have to as well is rather high.
Now that we know the dangers of the fireswamp, we can chew here indefinitely.
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